Author: CarolynR

Villenvy

“As a rule, man is a fool. When it’s hot, he wants it cool; When its cool, he wants it hot. Always wanting, what is not.”

-Benjamin Disraeli

Our friend coined the word “villenvy” from “villa envy”. We all have some upgrades in our villa that the others don’t have. For instance: cathedral ceilings, wall air conditioners (even though we all have central air), a custom sunroom built by a resident. You have to be very careful that you don’t succumb to the “grass is greener” thoughts. This is where it can lead you…to the point where we actually inquired about moving to a larger villa. We could do that for $30,000 and $6.000 more a year in rent. Really? Have we become that berserk? I suddenly realized we could buy new furniture and rearrange our present villa for a lot less and still come out ahead. Plus I think another move would kill me. I have cleaned for weeks, Harvey has planted a hosta garden and improved the landscaping in the entire front yard. Our granddaughter had a saying when she was a toddler: “You get what you get, so don’t throw a fit!” As my neurologist once told our doctor friend: “Keep your mouth shut and put your money under your mattress.” Now……let’s go furniture shopping.

The Carousel of Time

We can’t return, we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game.

“The Circle Game” – Joni Mitchell

We now live in a new community. No matter how lovely your previous home was, you cannot go back. Who would want to go back to the worry and fear about being left as a widow in that huge house? It snowed the first week we moved into our villa. I lay on my bed, looking out the window at the falling snow and felt a strong sense of peace and well-being. The move was over and we had landed at last. Today the house is arranged and Kiki is happy. She was a big worry for me. It turns out that she is quite popular. She enjoys her two walks a day with no cars. Visitors come and go, always petting her. I look back, but I don’t feel any desire to go back. I’ve had years of having to do hours of housework and cleaning so many houses. Like Emily in “Our Town,” I would like to go back to my parents’ house on Clinton Street for one day. I think that the emotions would be too painful, so I’ll stay in the present. Jim just took Kiki for a walk and a man is cutting our grass. No going back, Carolyn.

Don’t Gawk

“But I don’t want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked.
“Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat: “we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”
“How do you know I’m mad?” said Alice.
“You must be,” said the Cat, “or you wouldn’t have come here.”

Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

My mother would admonish me if I stared at people with disabilities.  She would say, “Don’t gawk!”  When you come here, you will see people in all stages of aging, including those who need assistive devices to get around.  You will not see children, babies, teenagers or motorcyclists.  At first it was shocking to see some of the people who are really old.  I didn’t think I belonged here.  I have trouble walking and tire easily.  Jim always says, “There’s a reason we’re here.”  There are  many more women residents than men.  Some people tell you the same story or ask the same questions again and again.  You have to be patient.  Be compassionate.  We are one of the lucky couples still together.  I take care of the house and organization.  Jim does all of the heavy lifting.  I feel like a whiny little b—h when I see others here who are alone or frail.  You will think at first that you made the wrong decision.  What are your other options?  Stay in your home into your eighties and let someone else decide where you will go?  You can choose your own CCRC while you are still healthy in mind and body.  Just remember, when you first move in, “Don’t Gawk!”

Life and Death

Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.

James 4:14

The decision to move to a CCRC is coupled with an acceptance that we are truly going to die. This is not an easy thing….to hold two distinct beliefs…that you should live fully after this move and yet you are probably going to die here.  Well, you have to die somewhere. We lived on a small drive surrounded by six other houses.  Ten years in our house while there were 5 deaths, one house fire (a total loss), one cancer case, one stroke, and one heart attack survivor on our short street.  Death is everywhere. It doesn’t care that you live in a CCRC. It can find you when the time comes. We already have our plot and funerals paid for, but it doesn’t make it any easier to accept the inevitable. Jim said it best: “This is NOT a nursing home.”  There is one, though, if and when we need it.  Assisted Living, Skilled Nursing, Hospice, then mercifully and finally, Your Flight is on Time.

Forest Wildlife

MESSENGER

As I did stand my watch upon the hill,
I looked toward Birnam, and anon methought
The wood began to move.

Macbeth, Shakespeare
Act 5, Scene 5

We were so thrilled with the view in back of our villa.  We have a short expanse of grass bordering an old growth forest.  It was cold weather.  We were treated to a small herd of deer walking across the larger field every evening.  They were so lovely in the snow.  We also had Chippy, our resident chipmunk who sat on the same branch every day just outside our kitchen window.  There is no rose without thorns.  Our lovely forest harbors many forest critters.  I have seen thus far:  salamanders, mice (in our villa), a snake (came in the door and went right back outside) centipedes, large and small ants, spiders, squirrels, rabbits, raccoons, opossums, chipmunks, tree frogs, roly-polys, mosquitoes and flies.  Last night the mousetrap under my bed snapped shut in the middle of the night.  I did not sleep well.  Jim said, “Well, look at that!”  NO, I don’t want to see it!  Prior to buying traps, there was a lot of running around while screaming.  But then….we have a beautiful, rare view.   We see many unusual birds. I refuse to be driven out by forest critters.

Take Some Honey and Plenty of Money

You will move things you don’t need.  Things will get lost until found, if ever.  You will make purchases that won’t work.  Every day more packages arrive.  You will give away what doesn’t work.  Furniture will be moved around until things finally settle.  It will take far longer to organize your home than you expected.  You will encounter frustration as you struggle with new appliances.  You had a gas stove, now an electric stove.  You will have to organize and sort everything you brought with you to make your life easier.  Jim contrives and builds creative solutions, including a small patio fence for Kiki.  Kiki seemed to be at home the moment she walked in the door.

A Frightening Detour

A digression before I get to life in this place.  The day we came out to inspect our villa before signing the paperwork, a bad thing happened.  I experienced what we thought might be a stroke.  EMTs arrived, very hot ones as I recall, sick as I was.  Our local hospital just around the corner was on bypass because of COVID, so I had to be taken to a nearby town.  We spent the day there having endless tests.  We arrived home at 10:30 p.m. with no apparent ill effects and nothing wrong.  I had trouble swallowing for a few weeks, but no other symptoms.  Wine helped.  There were moments of terror and grief as I thought we had waited too long and the move was ruined.  Not so.  Here we are, Jim, Kiki and I on a hot summer day with the AC cooling our cozy, peaceful villa.

Your Last Shirt Will Have No Pockets

Do not wait too long to make this move.  It was clear that the house was too much for us.  We weren’t even using all of the rooms.  Jim struggled with the huge property summer and winter.  The yard work was endless.  We did not want either one of us to be left alone in our house.  It was packed full along with a 2-car garage and an attic.  No basement, thank God.  Give away treasures, even jewelry, to family or friends who will enjoy them.  Purge your stuff ruthlessly.  I struggled with about 300 clothes hangers after the move.  We brought too many towels and bedding.  You will be so glad later that you got rid of so much useless weight.  As for the auction, you will be lucky to break even after all the new things you will buy for your villa.  Have you ever had to clean out a house after a loved one’s death?  It is horrible.  We refused to leave that last chapter for our family or children.  No one should have to do that job.  At least here there is a small space which makes it difficult to fill it with things you don’t need anymore.  I did have to buy a pancake turner at the Dollar Store after the move. Be sure to take two with you.

Three Angels

I said to Jim, “You’re already into the community in your blog, but I’m not there yet.”  I will get to the subject of living here, but now I want to write about the three angels.  I was sitting here exhausted while Jim was out someplace on our first night here.  I could not get into the kitchen through the tower of unpacked boxes.  Nothing to eat.  There was a knock at the door.  A young woman handed me two meals from the Big House kitchen. (We call the main building the Big House.) I said, “You re an angel from heaven, thank you, you don’t know how much this means to me.”  I tried not to cry.  That’s when I knew we weren’t going to starve to death.  On the contrary, I am now trying to lose the weight I gained from chocolate croissants and moving stress.

The second angel was Debra.  I was passed out on the couch on the second day when the doorbell rang.  My next door neighbor was there with a welcome card and a gift for us.  We liked one another from the first minute we met.  I felt as though she could be my sister.  What a precious gift of welcome just when I was feeling quite lost.

The third angel visited to bring us all of the information for new residents. She is designated shepherd of our court. Every court has a shepherd who meets with management. She is a musician and we can play together! We are thinking about a Christmas program. We enjoyed meeting each other and I just gained another good friend. How blessed we are with two new couples who have already become good friends. We haven’t even been here a week yet. We were concerned that we would not meet anyone or make friends. They have helped us in ways they will never know.

Making the Decision

We visited a number of retirement communities.  The one we chose was a large complex and we felt at home there,  plus we could afford the fees and monthly rent.  One problem,  though.  We had a large four bedroom three bath ranch home.  I had my own private bathroom.  I refused to share a bathroom and demanded a two bath villa.  We got a call in a few months that here was a villa available, but alas, only one bathroom.  I was asked if we wanted it.  I said yes.  I had been thinking, who was I to demand my own bathroom? How unreasonable.  Believe it or not, that has not been a problem in any way as Jim and I are on different schedules for showers, etc.  Lavender scent sticks, some scent spray and you’re all set.